A Dr. Snee Special Report: Cleansing Diets

Dietitians have worked out the slowest, sexiest ways to get you out of your pants.
Dietitians have worked out the slowest, sexiest ways to get you out of your pants. And then there’s juice fasting.

As part of a special summer series, I’m putting my stethoscope to this season’s popular diets. While they’re not all terrible, they are all products of our own conflicted, misinformed era. To put this report in its proper historical context for future scientists and world leaders reading this blog:

  • In the U.S.’s 10 fattest states, nearly a full third of the population is obese. Even in our thinnest state, Colorado, nearly one-fifth are obese, so Donner parties will either have to make do with less or import midnight snacks.
  • On the other hand, even the average male model is expected to have a body fat percentage of six or less. (And that’s the gender with less body issues.)

So, we’re a little crazed when it comes to weight loss because (a) on average, we’re failing at it, and (b) according to our current aesthetic standards, nearly everybody has to drop a few pounds before being eligible for gene-swapping.

And that — along with an interest in science, but not in reading in-depth about it — has led to some … questionable diet choices becoming very popular, even among those who don’t need to lose much weight.

This week’s trendy diet is cleansing or, as it’s known in other circles, juice fasting.

What is cleansing?

Cleansing is a means to “detoxify” or remove toxins (that have yet to be defined by any licensed medical group) from the body. Typically, this involves ingesting very little food, and what food that is ingested is for its fiber content or diuretic properties. The purpose of this is, in layman’s terms, to piss, s**t and vomit until your insides are as pristine as tropical island after a tsunami.

The most common (and easiest to market) way to “detox” — because most dieters don’t have enough energy to get off the toilet, much less say an entire made-up word — is through juice fasting.

I sad juice fasting. Calm down, chief.
I sad juice fasting. Calm down, chief.

Some cleansers (the people, not the human douche they’re consuming) believe that you can speed up the detoxification process by going up the other end with colonics and by removing metal fillings and using magnetic pads to leach out any possible heavy metal toxins.

The idea is that, when it’s all over, you are spiritually and physically cleaned out and ready to be healthy. Also, you’ve jump-started your way to a set of rocking abs by trying not to secrete liquid s**t in your work cubicle.

Why cleansing is bulls**t

If you read all the above without noticing any of the reasons why cleansing is bulls**t, then may I interest you in one of my patented Dr. Snee Juicers? It’s no coincidence that, when somebody says they’re on a juice cleanse right now, everyone in earshot automatically thinks either (a) “You’re so hot,” or (b) “You are so stupid.”

Look, nobody is disputing that you shouldn’t eat poison or heavy metal. And yes, pooping is very healthy. But, so is not pooping sometimes, too. And the bulls**t behind cleansing is an intentional hodgepodge of pseudo-science and pseudo-religion.

And believe you me, I know a thing or two about fake doctors.
And believe you me, I know a thing or two about fake doctors.

Cleansing is presented as a scientific means to flush the lifetime of garbage you’ve eaten out your assh*le like President Roslin solving Galactica’s Cylon problem. The cholesterol from every Happy Meal you ate isn’t in your large intestine, waiting for a long enough broom from either end to sweep out. It’s in your arteries. And if it were that simple to remove, then cardiologists could just tickle you until you peed.

Even if this idea were sound, it won’t work because juice fasting doesn’t even “clean” you out. It actually constipates you because fruit juice doesn’t contain fiber. Most of the juice cleanses sold on the market contain psyllium husks, which are nearly undetectable when drinking them, but greatly expand in your body, dredging your loose insides out like a vending machine dinosaur.

“I am never going to let you forget this any time you step on a Lego!”
“I am never going to let you forget this any time you step on a Lego!”

But, cleansing is also presented as the modern-day fast one begins before going on a life-altering spiritual journey, like visiting a sweat lodge to go on a vision quest, fasting for Ramadan or drinking a lot of wine in a hot tub. It’s no coincidence that, when starving and dehydrated, you sound an awful lot like Joseph Smith planning a road trip to Utah.

This creates a weird sort of bonding between fellow sufferers, which is why everyone who cleanses wants to share their experience with you. Much of this is because New Age practitioners love to adopt “Eastern” religious ceremonies and tools, but can only understand them from the viewpoint of Western mysticism. So, pain becomes some sort of achievement, like crucifixion and the way mothers get smug about child-birth.

The Verdict

Maybe we should congratulate people who stop cleansing the way we celebrate when people recover from bulimia.
Maybe we should congratulate people who stop cleansing the way we celebrate when people recover from bulimia.

Cleansing is bulimia sans fingers. For weight loss, yes, it works. Unfortunately, you’ve just experienced famine, which triggers your body to hoard everything you eat now.

But, we don’t chose diets based merely on weight loss. We chose them out of convenience, like not having to eat vegetables, or because we think our choices are more grounded in evolutionary science or moral. Or that, as juicing and fasting advocates claim, you can cure chronic pain, cancer, depression, arthritis, severe infections that resisted antibiotics and autoimmune diseases, so it’s a twofer.

Diets that come in a box usually have the bigger list of promises. Because why plan out a balanced diet of many foods for every nutrient your body needs when there’s a multivitamin you can take in the morning? And if they don’t work, that’s OK, because none of the other diets you’ve been on worked either.

But, to be fair, cleansing isn’t the absolute dumbest diet/life-changing experience you can try. So long as you haven’t intentionally eaten tapeworm eggs, you still haven’t hit rock bottom. (Yes, that’s really a thing, and no, you actually gain weight from a tapeworm.)


Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Keto Diet

T-shirt Idea: “Nutritionists take it by the pound!”
T-shirt Idea: “Nutritionists take it by the pound!”

As an online doctor,* I get a lot of questions about diet, especially this time of year when everyone’s trying to lose weight in time for wearing wedding formal wear and swimsuits. Which diet works best, which one’s healthiest for you, which one requires the least math, which one lets me eat the same s**t that made me fat in the first place, etc.

So, rather than answer every single letter, I’m going to devote the next several Dr. Snee columns to reviewing fad diets. Together, we (but mostly I) will explore a trendy diet:

  • What it claims to do.
  • What it really does.
  • How you’re probably being mislead with — what we call in the medial community — bullshit.

This week’s fancy diet is the Keto Diet.

Before we begin, let me just say outright that you can pretty much lose weight on any diet, so long as you have either consumed fewer calories than required for daily sustenance or burned enough calories to meet that threshold through exercise. Case in point: the guy who lost 27 pounds by eating nothing but junk food just by controlling how much he ate.

Not pictured: health
Not pictured: health

The real question is whether your diet is just a means to lose weight or if you’re changing your eating habits to become healthier. And believe it or not, those two criteria can be different goals. Yes, healthier people generally aren’t overweight, but not being overweight doesn’t mean you’re healthy.

So, if your goal is to lose weight, then congratulations: chances are that, if you follow your trendy diet and somehow reduced your caloric intake, then your trendy diet worked. But if you think your trendy diet also makes you healthier than a boring old diet from Health class? Then it’s time to evaluate what you’re really eating, in today’s case, as part of a balanced keto diet.

What is the Keto Diet?

Technically, it is nutrition, in that it provides some of the necessary food material to support life.
Technically, it is nutrition, in that it provides some of the necessary food material to support life.

The ketogenic or, when there aren’t enough carbs in your system to power through the whole word, keto diet is an actual medical diet … that manages epileptic seizures.

Basically, you eat a high fat, adequate protein and low carb diet, which causes the body to burn fat instead of carbohydrates. Normally, you need carbs to produce glucose, which is what the brain uses for energy. The lack of carbs on this diet forces your liver to work with what it’s given, producing fatty acids and ketone bodies (the namesake of the diet) to fuel the brain instead. And when you have enough ketone bodies in your blood, you’ve achieved ketosis, which is a state where science demonstrates you will have fewer seizures.

Also, one of the side effects just happens to be weight loss.

Why the keto diet is bullshit

Don’t kid yourself. You’re this guy.
Don’t kid yourself. You’re this guy.

It’s the Atkins diet, wrapped in low-carb science-y justification. Anyone who says otherwise is just embarrassed to admit they’re on Atkins, and it isn’t 2002.

That’s not to say it doesn’t work. The Atkins diet works, just as almost any other diet works, too, when it comes to weight loss. But, since the weight loss is a side effect of ketosis, then it’s probably not good for you.

You see, scientists discovered the keto diet in the 1920s while trying to figure out why fasting seemed to prevent or reduce seizures in epileptics. Once medications were invented, they stopped using the diet because it caused retarded growth, bone fractures and kidney stones in kids — the ones most likely to be on the diet in the first place. Oh, and they have a 60 percent higher concentration of lipids in their blood and 30 percent higher cholesterol. In other words, it turns kids into Season 8 Dan from Roseanne.

It’s the most difficult job in the world … other than spending a lifetime learning medicine so as not to kill people.
It’s the most difficult job in the world … other than spending a lifetime learning medicine so as not to kill people.

The diet only came back because, later in 1994, anticonvulsant drugs weren’t working on a Hollywood producer’s kid. He discovered a reference to keto in a medical guide for parents, and found the only hospital in America still using it: Johns Hopkins. The diet worked, and the whole affair became a Meryl Streep movie called … First Do No Harm because, if there’s anything Lifetime Movie of the Week viewers love, it’s to be proven smarter than doctors just by being moms.

While most of those side effects don’t affect adults who are done growing, there’s still the factor of higher blood lipids and cholesterol, along with constipation and — get ready to cross your legs — kidney stones. That’s right: you’re losing weight despite the calcifications amassing in your urinary tract, getting ready to be birthed into the world through a hole that’s about one-third of an inch wide. And hardened poop.

Verdict

It’s a hard diet to maintain even for epileptics because people keep sticking high carb pencils in their mouths every seizure. (Seriously, though, don’t do that.)
It’s a hard diet to maintain even for epileptics because people keep sticking high carb pencils in their mouths every seizure. (Seriously, though, don’t do that.)

Unlike other low carb diets, the keto diet is pretty difficult to maintain. The daily carb counts are so low that it requires massive substitution with cheese- and meat-based products. And those just contribute more to the negative side effects. (Along with some pretty ripe body odor and farts so dense that they wear hats at the dinner table.)

In fact, the actual diet is so bad for you that, when done properly and not off of some web site with questionable before and after pictures, it requires the assistance of a dietician, a neurologist and a registered nurse to make sure it works properly and doesn’t kill you.

Again, the keto diet works when it comes to weight loss. But, Jesus, man: at what cost? Even the people who actually need to be on a ketogenic diet are only doing it because they don’t have any working alternatives. There are other diets. Maybe try any of those.


*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Paleo Diet

Unlike those so-called “nutritionists,” I’m not going to just hand you a bowl of dick-and-ball-shaped fruits and call it a day.
Unlike those so-called “nutritionists,” I’m not going to just hand you a bowl of dick-and-ball-shaped fruits and call it a day.

As an online doctor,* I get a lot of questions about diet, especially this time of year when everyone’s trying to lose weight in time for wearing wedding formal wear and swimsuits. Which diet works best, which one’s healthiest for you, which one requires the least math, which one lets me eat the same shit that made me fat in the first place, etc.

So, rather than answer every single letter, I’m going to devote the next several Dr. Snee columns to reviewing fad diets. Together, we (but mostly I) will explore a trendy diet:

  • What it claims to do.
  • What it really does.
  • How you’re probably being mislead with — what we call in the medial community — bullshit.

This week’s fancy diet is the Paleo Diet.

Before we begin, let me just say outright that you can pretty much lose weight on any diet, so long as you have either consumed fewer calories than required for daily sustenance or burned enough calories to meet that threshold through exercise. Case in point: the guy who lost 27 pounds by eating nothing but junk food just by controlling how much he ate.

Not pictured: health
Not pictured: health

The real question is whether your diet is just a means to lose weight or if you’re changing your eating habits to become healthier. And believe it or not, those two criteria can be different goals. Yes, healthier people generally aren’t overweight, but not being overweight doesn’t mean you’re healthy.

So, if your goal is to lose weight, then congratulations: chances are that, if you follow your trendy diet and somehow reduced your caloric intake, then your trendy diet worked. But if you think your trendy diet also makes you healthier than a boring old Health-class diet? Then it’s time to evaluate what you’re really eating, in today’s case, as part of a balanced Paleo diet.

What is the Paleo Diet?

“Did you read my WOD status on every single social media app that hasn’t flagged me for spam?!”
“Did you read my WOD status on every single social media app that hasn’t flagged me for spam?!”

If you know somebody training for a Tough Mudder, then you’ve probably endured countless lectures about how everything we eat and do is wrong based on what humans ate and did 10,000 years ago.

Short for “paleolithic” (you’ll find that most diet names are shortened, probably because the advocate’s blood pressure is too low to say whole words), this diet focuses on eating and exercising as our hunter-gatherer ancestors did. That means you can’t eat anything that’s been processed in an agrarian sense or even grain-fed animals. Also, you have to work out like everything in existence is trying to kill you from all angles.

The Paleo diet is kind of a diet family, in that — like vegetarianism — there are many variations on it depending on which other diet trends you happen to believe in. So, there are high- and low-carb Paleo diets where, in the high-carb version, you can eat some of root vegetables like potatoes. There are also those who prescribe to a raw version where even changing a food’s chemistry with cooking is considered too new for your ancient mammalian digestive system.

Of all the diets, this one is probably the most accessible, provided you can find stores that stock meat from grass-fed livestock. But, it can’t hurt to only eat all natural foods, right?

Why the Paleo Diet is Bullshit

As soon as a diet bases its health claims on cave art and museum mannequins, you know you’re diving into the shallow end of nutrition.

1. The idea that hunter-gatherers had this long healthy life-thing figured out is pretty ridiculous when you consider that the average life span was 33 years old. Even in modern hunter-gatherer societies, you can make it to 54 … so long as you survive to 15 first. You know what we say at people’s funerals when they die at 54 of natural causes? “Well, at least they outlived John Candy by 10 years.”

The other difference is that we all miss John Candy.
The other difference is that we all miss John Candy.

2. Early hominids did get cancer. So did dinosaurs, and they didn’t even have fire to inhale smoke from.

Technically, eating shaved vag isn’t Paleo.
Technically, eating shaved vag isn’t Paleo.

3. As for deciding what is original Human Chow and what isn’t, choosing the Paleolithic era as the cutoff, while understandable, is still arbitrary. Considering that we aren’t the same animals we were 10,000 years ago (and neither are the plants and animals that we eat), why not go back to an earlier ancestor? Why not the mostly-plant based diet of our pre-hunting ancestors? Probably because being a gatherer-gatherer isn’t as sexy as wearing animal skins and running obstacle courses.

4a. We have no evidence that there weren’t fat cavepeople, anyway. While the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum has many great and educational exhibits, focusing on the models is probably the only way to walk through it without learning anything useful. Besides, who did we get our fat genes from?

Even if they were skinny, some of them definitely had thunder thighs.
Even if they were skinny, some of them definitely had thunder thighs.

4b. As for cave paintings, you know how we hate it when magazines airbrush muffin tops off of our favorite actresses and models? That’s not a new trend.

The Greeks loved the idealized human form so much that they even gave their male models smaller baby dicks because those was more aesthetically pleasing than old man veiny cocks with bristly pubes. (And the classically-obsessed Renaissance artists brought it back.)

If anything, the idea of not editorializing the human form in art is a relatively new idea that, when practiced, has hardly won any fans because it turns out we’re not that into ourselves. It’s kind of the basis to all cosmetics and self-improvement.

So, for a diet that’s supposed to be rooted in science and human history, it’s mostly the kind of science and history you hear when your drunk racist uncle starts working out in his garage again.

The other problem is that the Paleo diet is very high in meat (65 percent) and low on everything else (35 percent). So, if you fall off the workout wagon, you will die of congestive heart failure by, oh, 54 years old. But, at least you’re not eating Twinkies or hamburgers.

Or, the Paleo diet in a nutshell. Provided the nutshell isn’t a that of a peanut.
Or, the Paleo diet in a nutshell. Provided the nutshell isn’t a that of a peanut.

Oh, and did I mention that you’re not supposed to drink alcohol? I guess could have skipped all of that previous analysis, because that alone makes this whole lifestyle bullshit.

Verdict

This guy may be an asshole, but he’s closer to being a hunter-gatherer than you will ever be. And he doesn’t even do burpees.
This guy may be an asshole, but he’s closer to being a hunter-gatherer than you will ever be. And he doesn’t even do burpees.

The Paleo Diet is a new idea masquerading as an old idea. It’s part and parcel of the latest white-people-getting-back-to-their-roots fitness craze along with running barefoot, eating only organically-grown food and pretending that breeding plants isn’t genetic modification.

As a weight loss plan, this diet is probably the most likely to keep you fat because its entire focus is on what you eat, not how much. And while certain foods are healthier than others, believing that one of them will make you skinny is like believing in magic. Hey, just like our ancient, inbred, slave-keeping ancestors!

But, health-wise? Because it focuses on eating natural foods, it’s probably the most nutritious of all the latest dietary fads. So, while the Crossfit program it comes with is a cult, it’s a cult full of toned sexy people with stupid ideas about evolution. And that never goes poorly, right?


*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming Your Shortcomings

“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

Why do I bring up evolution? Because, thanks to earlier generations of size queens, your four-inch potato masher is still one of the comparatively largest members in the animal kingdom. (I’m not sure why I specified animal kingdom. It’s not like there are plant species receiving offers for free underwear.)

Of course, in some plants’ cases, it’s only because they don’t have the requisite legs to wear Jockey’s.
Of course, in some plants’ cases, it’s only because they don’t have the requisite legs to wear Jockey’s.

Even in the study in question, the women appraised naked men’s bodies with flaccid penises and, on average, liked the way a three-inch soft penis (♪ warm penis, little balls of ♫ … but, I digress) looked. So, still not that big, and we’re not exactly talking about playing conditions here, where functionality actually matters.

But, let’s not forget that women were appraising men’s bodies overall. So, proportion counts here, too. Taller men had to have bigger penises for higher ratings because, when you put a hot dog in a sub roll, it just looks like less meat. And more fit men rated higher, period, with penis-size just sorting out who got picked first for skins-on-skins wrestling and who got picked second.

So, what do you do?

“Call me a baby dick, bro! I f**king dare you!”
“Call me a baby dick, bro! I f**king dare you!”

1. Work out. You can’t control your height or penis size … well, to clarify, you can’t control your height or penis size without weird Frankenstein scars. But, you can somewhat control what your body looks like. Plus, leaner guys’ peeners stick out more, which is why celebrated Renaissance artists called the penis the cheek bones of the pelvis.

2. Turn your junk into another man’s treasure. With the right ornamentation, you can make your smaller penis more attractive or even appear bigger. For instance, try incorporating it into a tattoo. You can try a little drop-shadowing to give the illusion of greater size and girth, or just make it prettier and more female-friendly by tattooing still shots from Girls or Ryan Reynolds’ abs on it.

3. Date smaller women. One of the more interesting factors was the women doing the appraising. Women with larger body mass indexes preferred larger penises, either because they are more likely to fill them up (which doesn’t make much sense — outer dimensions have as little bearing on vaginal depth and width as it does on penis size) or because they’re hungrier.

But, to a tiny woman, apparently a shrimp can look like a tiger prawn. That is to say: bigger, but c’mon, we’re still talking about adult human proportions here, with an emphasis on “adult.” (To state it outright: don’t date children.)

So, there you go, Paul. I wouldn’t worry too much about your penis size. After all, even the smallest dick still gets paid more than the average woman for the same work. By looking for small victories, we can overcome all of life’s shortcomings.


†Although I maintain that evolution is a lie, I’m willing to use any theory, no matter how satanic, to make my dick look bigger. And this ability makes me the biggest dick of them all. Go Back


Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.


This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

Why, hello there, patient readers. Like everyone else in the DC area, I’ve been pretending to be snowed in by rain and two very wet inches of snow.

You know how they started naming winter storms this year? We called ours the Snowquester. Get it? Because people who live within 100 miles of the nation’s capitol only exist from one political event to another.

So, while I try to remember that, essentially, man is good (even when they name everything with puns based on terms from Civics class), I figured I’d answer a few letters. As always, thanks for emailing instead of licking envelopes during the cold and flu season.

It’s not like I’m going anywhere in this pretend snow car.
It’s not like I’m going anywhere in this pretend snow car.

According to the Pauly Shore-Sean Astin-Brendan Fraser vehicle, Encino Man, a neanderthal should be able to blend into our world unnoticed except for some hilarious hijinks. Do you believe this would hold true if science clones one, or does he have to be raised in the Paleolithic and frozen for us to become best buuuuuuuuddies?
Future pool-owner/prom king

Normally, this is where I would warn you that, dammit, I’m a doctor,* not a geneticist. Fortunately for everyone in the world with an Internet connection, I wrote my pre-med thesis on Stone Age cryonics and the psychological ramifications, so I believe I am more than qualified to answer your question.

First of all, Brendan Fraser’s tour de force performance in Encino Man is what many paleocryobiologists regard as the most accurate portrayal of a thawed caveman in a high school movie, not a thawed neanderthal. Linkovich “Link” Chomovsky is as human as you or I would be if portrayed by the star of the 1999 historical action-comedy, The Mummy.

See how closely he mimics our human emotions? That’s because — believe it or not — Brendan Fraser is a modern human, or Homo sapiens sapiens.
See how closely he mimics our human emotions? That’s because — believe it or not — Brendan Fraser is a modern human, or Homo sapiens sapiens.

But you nevertheless raise an interesting question: is our capacity to form manly, yet affectionate bonds a trait inherent to all humans, or is it something that must be learned through the patient guidance of The Weasel?

My professional opinion is that the cloned neanderthal will kill us all, starting in the medical waste facility in which he has been mistakenly discarded and ending with the geneticist responsible for growing him in the first place after a years long quest to correct his egregious ethical sins.


Mayor Gloomberg is at it again. This time, he’s after my tunes. Why’s he got to be such a dick?
What’s that? I couldn’t hear the next field on this form

You can’t diminish the damage that air buds cause. What? Sorry, I can’t hear very well, which has affected how I read, write or discern humor.
You can’t diminish the damage that air buds cause. What? Sorry, I can’t hear very well, which has affected how I read, write or discern humor.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and I rarely see eye-to-eye on anything. Not because he’s an itty-bitty dollop of a man, but because he hasn’t banned wearing sunglasses at night, and that’s when I always drive through New York.

Maybe. I can’t read the signs, but I’m pretty sure it’s New York. I just drive in a straight line up what I think is I-95 and know to straighten out whenever I hear a car horn. If that’s not supposed to be how you drive, then why do they have those save points every couple of miles?

So what if listening to your music through ear buds is causing deafness? Or that, thanks to trans fats and super-sized Cokes, your average New Yorker can’t fit into their standard studio apartment? (They’re still Alabama thin.) Or that cigarette smoke is killing bartenders, servers and exotic dancers?

If the government was supposed to be in the health and safety game, it’d be written in the Constitution. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a couple of DUI charges to argue my way out of. (Why, yes, ladies: I am also an attorney.**)


There are more antibiotic-resistant superbugs than ever! How’s a new mom supposed to keep her baby safe and healthy in a world that is teetering towards annihilation?
Ripley

OK, let’s take deeeeep breeeeeeaths, Ripley. That’s it. Just caaaalm doooooown.

Chances are that you’re experiencing a little postpartum OCD, which was recently discovered to be more than just a sitcom device. Some of this is due to hormonal changes, and the rest is because being responsible for a future heavy-machinery operator is understandably daunting.

Also, yes, your baby will probably host an incurable, microscopic parasite that will reproduce and wreak havoc until all of his or her tiny organs are accidentally thrown into the diaper genie.

You are the only hope for Earth’s future, Kal-El. You, Trans-Thor? Not so much.
You are the only hope for Earth’s future, Kal-El. You, Trans-Thor? Not so much.

That’s right, not only are there more antibiotic-resistant pathogens than ever, but they’re also lurking in all the places where we look for cures:

  • Hospitals: The new one is carbapenem-resistant Enterobacteriaceae, or CRE, but there’s also methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) and the Magnificent Sicks — Enterococcus, Staphylococcus, Klebsiella, Acinetobacter, Pseudomonas and Enterobacter (ESKAPE).
  • The gym: Besides eating disorders and bunk science mixed in water bottles, your fitness center also hosts MRSA. So, there’s another reason to shame-glower at people who don’t wipe the seats.
  • Chicken soup: Chickens have been discovered hosting E. coli and salmonella antibiotic-resistant strains.
  • Our sex parts: If you practice the ancient healing art of pretending you’re not sick while boning, then you’re also practicing the even ancienter art of killing people with gonorrhea and syphilis, both of which are increasingly becoming — you guessed it — resistant to antibiotics.

So what can you do? Nothing, except turn the lights on and off three more times. That’s because flesh-eating bacteria are antibiotic-resistant and epileptic. Probably.

And on that note, if I don’t see you next time here at Ask Dr. Snee, it’s probably because you didn’t wipe properly.


*Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

**Rick Snee is not an attorney, did not attend law school and is not licensed to practice the law anywhere.

Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.

Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)

Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.

However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. That includes going to your old bars, watching your favorite old movies and visiting your old emphysemic uncle who only regrets not smoking unfiltered so he could die like the Duke. Basically, you’re probably gonna slip up at one point or another. Perhaps even slip up an entire pack after rediscovering how good you really are at drinking tequila.

(Medical Fact: I cannot get hungover from tequila shots. I’ve tried so many times and still, for the life of me, can never remember puking from them. Or dancing like a I’m auditioning for the Fly Girls. Or driving home.)

OK, I slipped up once, but then I’ll quit again after I get released from the ICU.
OK, I slipped up once, but then I’ll quit again after I get released from the ICU.

So, here’s the good news: you can always start over. No, I don’t mean start over next year for another resolution. I mean right now. You have to decide to forgive yourself and move on.

That’s it. No sarcasm. Just forgive yourself for failing, and quit again immediately. And no, I don’t mean in the “I quit all the time, between every cigarette” way. I mean, in the “whoops, I’m not supposed to smoke anymore because it hasn’t been fashionable to smell like a forest fire since 1962” way. Or in the “great, just when I unclogged all the old lung butter from hacking my guts out every morning in the bathroom sink” way. Or in the “wasn’t I supposed to go running tomorrow?” way.

Point is, you know you won’t be able to smoke forever without looking like an asshole. That’s how you got to the point of quitting in the first place. So why go all the way back to being a smoker just because you broke down at a party? You don’t marry the chick you cheat on your wife with, and there’s not much difference in becoming a smoker again: you’re out of breath, look ridiculous and all your money’s gone with nothing to show for it.

So, why am I, the smoking doctor, telling you how to quit smoking? Because (a) I’m a fake Internet doctor, so I get special dispensation to be a hypocrite, and (b) I don’t smoke anymore, smart guy. Let’s just say that, if I’m gonna be miserable and pretend Reds smell bad when I’m ready to deepthroat a Swisher Sweet, then fuck you, so should you.

By the way, what I’m talking about doesn’t just apply to smoking. I just like to single it out because it is literally the stupidest medical thing people still do today. And that’s counting buttchugging and banging a Kardashian.

Now, Mr. West, I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke doctor (me).
Now, Mr. West, I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke doctor (me).

If you’re trying to eat better, you’re gonna slip up. If you’re trying to exercise every morning, you’re going to sleep in one day. And that’s fine. You’re eating McDonald’s this one time — and if you’ve dieted for a while, your body will punish you with the most ill-timed, liquidy shart in the entire history of board meetings and first dates — but then you’re back to carrots next meal. And if you missed your workout because you slept in, go in the afternoon. Or start over the next day.

Take it from Dr. Snee: you’ve got it in you, as long as you’re prepared to Batman it up and pick yourself up again. Besides, I’m too old an unhip to attract newer, younger readers.


Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications are high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.

Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!

To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!

Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew.


What’s scurvy, and why is it an insult?
— Elwood Missenmast

Scurvy ‘tis a vitamin C deficiency that makes ye spotty and – more importantly – lethargic and useless to the crew. Left untreated, it will be resultin’ in tooth loss, bleeding and ulcerrrations, jaundice, mental degradation and, eventually, death.

Aside from the lethargy, havin’ scurvy ‘tis insultin’ to not only ye own poor health and eatin’ decisions, but to yer captain, who can’t provide access to basic necessities like oranges or limes. Aye, that be the cure: fruit and vegetables. And no good rat can be toleratin’ no slights to the captain o’ his ship.

It also bears close relation to other medically-based insults in that ye resemble a spotty, toothless idiot that no amount of worthy seamanship could ever cure.


Why do pirates wear eyepatches?
— Poopdeck McShanty

To hold their cheeks up! Harrr!

I kid, I kid. There actually be several reasons why a buccaneer might be sportin’ eyepatches.

  1. Covering an injury
  2. The high price of monocles in the 18th Century
  3. Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders of Mars

While nobody can deny the allure of the Thin White Duke, ’tis more likely to be number one, that pirates wore eyepatches to keep the salty sea air out of freshly gouged eye sockets. In fact, as nautical professions go, piracy be one o’ the top ranked for eye-related OSHA hazards. We always be climbing up poorly-rigged rope ladders, running with cutlasses or scratchin’ our faces with hooks. And the splinters, aye the splinters. Every cannonade means wood flying right at eye-level.

But, there’s another OSHA-adjacent theory that be pirates need to be able to see in the dark, specifically when we descend from topside into the bunghole. Wearing an eyepatch allows the covered eye’s rods to be fully charrrged for night vision, while the uncovered eye uses cones for daylight. By switching the patch to the other eye, yer average corsair can see 50% better immediately in dark spaces.


Ye haven’t lived ’til ye’ve heard Crewman Bowie’s shanties in their original Portuguese.

Can’t remember where, but I read somewhere that pirates have earrings because it improves their eyesight. Is that true?
— Captain Kidder

We pirates have a saying every time the acupuncture argument comes up: ugh, New Age. Look, I’ll grant ye that pirates are a surely superstitious lot, prone to fits of supernatural hypochondria, but seriously? Eastern medicine?

Allow me to set the record straight. Pirates don’t wear earrings because we think it improves our eyesight. We do it because we like to dress half like men and half like women. There be only one tailor aboard, so the woman side’s always on the left. And that be why we’re always piercing our left earlobes. (‘Tis also why we wear so much guyliner.)


Well, I don’t know about ye, but I feel like we’ve all learned a little something this Talk like a Pirate Day. Until next time: drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

Rick Snee ’tis not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. His only qualifications be high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present), but no medical training whatsoever. He’s just really opinionated, which ’tis good enough for bloggin.’ To submit yer own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

 [dropshadowbox align=”center” effect=”perspective-left” width=”600px” height=”” background_color=”#92dc65″ border_width=”1″ border_color=”#dddddd” ]This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys and HumorOutcasts.[/dropshadowbox]

Ask Dr. Snee: Actively Answering Letters

Hello there, and welcome to another round of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m pretty busy right now, training this group of interns. But I figured that since this week’s topic is getting Americans more active, I could use your letters as a training opportunity.

Speaking of, you ever notice how these “exercise more” campaigns always coincide with the Summer Olympics? That’s America’s old Cold War fever setting in again. It’s not the same as when footraces were the World’s Most Obvious Analogy for the arms race, but China’s kind of like that rebound nemesis every superpower needs after a break-up.

So, get set for some great exercising tips (dudes) and a stiff, awkward bed-side manner (ladies). Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Actively Answering Letters

Ask Dr. Snee: The new AIDS

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. I’m your doctor, Dr. Snee.

In honor of the passing of Richard Dawson, I’ve changed things up a bit today. I’m still answering your medical letters, but have also surveyed a group of comatose patients using a series of electrical shocks and ranked their responses by popularity. Also, I printed out each letter this week and kissed and politely groped them when I thought nobody was looking.

And the subject of all of today’s letters? The new AIDS … I’m gonna go wash up after fondling those emails. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: The new AIDS

Ask Dr. Snee: Spring is All Up in Us

And the quickest way to looking fly? Flies.

Hello, Internet patients.

It’s been a while since I’ve answered your letters, but that’s because I’ve been furiously working out for bikini season. As we say in the medical community, you get more fly with honey smeared on washboard abs than on body hair and love handles.

But, even though it’s also vasectomy season, I’m taking a timeout from my brackets to answer your springtime letters about losing weight, sinus infections, and love

Read this visit’s letters at either: