Just three more weeks of this nonsense

Unless the race of handsome aliens finally rescues Tom Brady from this world, this is the only chance you’ll get to see Tebow hold the football sideways like he did in those plays about gangs during Youth Group.
Unless the race of handsome aliens finally rescues Tom Brady from this world, this is the only chance you’ll get to see Tebow hold the football sideways like he did in those plays about gangs during Youth Group.

Last week heralded the return of football. Unfortunately, it’s preseason, which looks a lot like college ball: a parade of players in the final stage of their tryouts, while guaranteed performers are kept on the back burner to prevent injuries. (Or, as Dan Snyder calls them: “unapproved Paid Time Off.”)

Preseason football is the handjob you endure for now because you know there will be sex in a couple of weeks. You just have to put your time in first, get to really know your team, first string and last. And then, POW! Bangin’ all the way until February, when you f**k things up by dropping the ball on Valentine’s. (And after that division championship she got you for Steak and a Blowjob Day? For shame.)

My wife’s lackluster handjob was Tim Tebow because she’s one of those people who thinks the city of Boston walks on water.

Technicalities.
Technicalities.

But, that’s not to say you can’t enjoy preseason football. It is, after all, not college football, which sucks, no matter what people from Alabama try to tell you.*

For example: last week, I had to endure three quarters of Rex Grossman, a player that even the Bears got tired of. And that was a team that, before Grossman, hadn’t been to a Super Bowl since 1985 and hasn’t been back since.

To be honest, I couldn’t pick Sexy Rexy out of a lineup with his helmet off, so here’s Rex Manning.
To be honest, I couldn’t pick Sexy Rexy out of a lineup with his helmet off, so here’s Rex Manning.

However, what happened that fourth quarter — just when I was about to cue up Star Trek — made it all worthwhile: watching Pat White, the fourth stringer, earn Grossman’s third string spot the way Brian Griese had taken it from Sexy Rexy in 2007 and Kyle Orton after him.

Also, watching fans take a preseason win as a sign of this being “their year.” The 2008 Detroit Lions, who won all four of their preseason games before embarking on what would be the first imperfect NFL season since Baltimore’s first football team, would laugh at your hubris if it didn’t bring back so many sad, painful memories.

So, while, yes, preseason football is mostly a fight between second and third stringers, at least you know that your team will be alright should the bus accident from Beetlejuice happen. (Something similar happened to Lynyrd Skynyrd, which means that fans don’t ever have to put up with hearing “one from our new album.”)

“What do you mean ‘Kirk Cousins is starting tonight?’”
“What do you mean ‘Kirk Cousins is starting tonight?’”

Or, at the very least, a glorious start to what could very well turn out to be a mediocre year.


*Yes, yes: some college players transition naturally into the pros their rookie year. Strangely enough, though, the top 3 rookie performers last year — Russell Wilson, Andrew Luck and RG III — were not from the SEC, indicating that even college football rankings (just like your degree) don’t matter in the real world. (The 4th, Casey Hayward, came from Vanderbilt. Let me reiterate: Vanderbilt.)


This post originally appeared on SeriouslyGuys.