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Pros and Cons of Surviving 2011

Among the entries, we say farewell to Kim Jong-il, whose ladies-sunglasses-wearing, Hair-Club-for-Men-presidential like we will never see again.

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1.

Read this year’s entries at:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 18 – 24, 2011

The Guys cut the week short so we could spend some time with our families and develop more material based on them. So, if you’re bored with your perfect family, here’s my gift to you: Newt, frankincense, and sperm … or, the week in review.

  • It’s hard to say exactly why Newt Gingrich is starting to flag a little, although there are many reasons going to school instead of building iPads or mopping up. Maybe people remember the 1990s better than their ’90s parties indicate. (Dec. 19, 2011)
  • This guy found a way to pay for porn and make it tax deductible. Fortunately, the FDA is there to squash that dream. (Dec. 20, 2011)
  • We’re here to kick ass and chew frankincense, and we’re all out of frankincense. (Looks like Jesus is gonna have to settle for a gift card to Kohls this year.) (Dec. 21, 2011)

An Executioner’s Christmas Wishlist

One of the perks to the holiday season is spending time with your family watching 24 hours of A Christmas Story, with an occasional switch-over to It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a time-honored tradition that predates even television, going back all the way back to public executions. But, even that may not last much longer: the European Union has tightened restrictions on selling lethal injection drugs to nations that still perform capital punishment (leading to an obvious question: what does a nation that doesn’t execute prisoners use lethal injection juices for?)

I could spend time answering that parenthetical, but who cares what a bunch of Europeans do with sodium thiopental or pentobarbital? The United States is in a real pickle here. If we don’t figure out a way to humanely execute our citizens, then we might have to actually consider the ramifications of a government that kills its citizens.

Fortunately, I’ve done some research and believe I may have found some alternatives so that we can get back to killing people without hangings or beheadings.

Find out how at:

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 11 – 17, 2011

Boobies, neckties, porn, sad cookie disease, and Newt Gingrich’s “Lil’ Lincoln Monument” — it’s all in this week’s SeriouslyGuys recap:

  • Thinking of killing yourself after that big break-up? Try raw cookie dough. Or, just drink a lot and have unprotected sex with the batter. (Dec. 13, 2011)
  • The University of Kansas is aware of its draw to pornographers and has nipped that officially in the bud … which never backfires when it comes to the Internet. (Dec. 14, 2011)

Ask Dr. Snee: Healthy holidays, everyone!

According to these letters I’ve been receiving, it’s the holiday season. Of course, that’s because I legally changed my name to Santa Claus back in the ’04 on a bet, so there’s Christmas letters mixed into my normal summons, past due notices and “Ask Dr. Snee” questions. Take, for instance, this letter:

Dear Santa,

Although I have been a very good girl this year and would very much like a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas, I’m writing because I’m worried about your health. Specifically, your weight. Your belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly is certainly one of the signs of holiday joy, but it is also — in this 8-year-old’s opinion — one of the telltale signs of morbid obesity.

The addition of other risk factors, such as smoking, eating cookies at every non-Jehovah’s Witness’s home and red, veiny nose indicate that you may be entering the early stages of diabetes. I know you are very busy this time of year, but please, once Christmas is over and done with, please see a physician.

Lots of love,

Rachel

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re not really going to answer that little girl’s letter, are you, Dr. Snee? Yes, of course I am, if only because Santa deserves the benefit of a second opinion.

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for your nice letter. I’ll see what I can do about the 3DS, but please realize that my Chinese elves are a little overworked and some of them have violated the terms of their “not committing suicide” agreement. To be frank (claus), I’ll be happy if I fill last month’s quota, but that’s between you and me.

Also, thank you for your concern about my health, but don’t worry. Santa may be hefty, which falls in the safe zone on the weight chart I’ve enclosed, but it’s because he’s a power lifter. If you know anything about body mass index, it’s probably that BMI is not a reliable measurement of health. For instance: according to Sylvester Stallone’s bio, he is 5’9 (yeah right) and 200 lbs. That puts the Italian Stallion at 29.5 or overweight. But look at Sylvester:

Does this look like an overweight man to you? Maybe over-awesome or over-not-Santa-enough-like, but certainly not overweight.

Santa trains to lift the big weights, like the guys in the Olympics. So, yes, I may be 400 lbs and only 6’2, but I’m a healthy 400 lbs of pure strength. It’s what makes it possible for me to carry everybody’s toys each year (although the bag does get lighter per house).

So, you better watch out about what you say, Rachel, or Santa may just squat-thrust some of his attorneys down your chimney. (Please don’t interpret that sexually. I need this job.)

Love,

Santa F. Claus

Read the other two letters at:

DISCLAIMER: Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

BSD #6: ‘The Fall’

My rating for The Fall: 3 morphine pills out of 3 morphine pills
Three is all you need.

Duncan hosts Episode 6, in which the Blasters tackle The Fall from director Tarsem Singh. If you just asked, “Tarsem who?” you may know him from Immortals and The Cell.

Lee Pace (the Piemaker from Pushing Daises) plays a stuntman who broke his spine while making a movie back in the silent movie era. While recovering in a Los Angeles hospital, he meets Alexandra, a little girl who broke her arm while picking oranges. He begins telling her a story about a masked bandit and his band of fellow outlaws as they fight the evil governor who stole their lives. The charm of the movie, though, is that while he is telling the story, we actually see it through Alexandra’s eyes, including her misconceptions.

If you haven’t seen this movie, yet, I recommend doing so before listening because (a) it’s really good, and (b)

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are practically silly with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. Listener discretion is advised, though more fun if not used.

Continue reading BSD #6: ‘The Fall’

Your Week in Seriously Times: Dec. 4 – 10, 2011

To recap this week’s daily SeriouslyGuys updates:

  • NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell continues his mission to have every artist on his wife’s iPad play the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and this year it’s Madonna’s turn. (Dec. 5, 2011)

The U.S. Citizenship Test (according to Facebook)

Good afternoon, presumably American citizen! As you’re probably aware, your right to citizenship is guaranteed by the 14th amendment to the U.S. Constitution (not to be confused with the U.S.S. Constitution, which — like diversity — is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era). And, if you’re not a citizen, then you can apply and then take a test to prove you’re the stuff American dreams are made of. But, is that too simple?

In many trades, you are required to periodically re-certify to maintain your current standing or move up to another level of union or guild membership. Those who can’t make the grade in, say, barrel-making could find themselves out of a job if they can’t stay up to date in the latest innovations in the field of coopering.

We could have had something similar for U.S. citizenship. Unfortunately, some Southern racists ruined things by only applying political competency tests to African Americans, so the Voting Rights Act of 1965 pretty much nipped that idea in the bud.

But, what if there were a way for people to self-administer this test to prove over and over again to their friends and family that they are America+ citizens? It seems silly to think anyone would submit that kind of personal information on a daily basis to coworkers and near strangers …. and then Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook.

I’ve created a new U.S. Citizenship Recertification test based on my research, which consisted of diddling around on Facebook all day.

Continues:

BSD #5: ‘The Man From Earth’

My rating for The Man from Earth: 3.5 unused nails out of 4
A sloppy ending costs it the final half nail.

Episode 5 of the Blast Shields Down podcast is up, and this is the first episode we’ve put out that I hosted.

We reviewed Jerome Bixby’s The Man from Earth, and let me just get this out of the way: as movies go, this one’s a bottle episode. It takes place almost entirely in a living room where a bunch of college professors heavily discuss science, religion, and whether a guy could live for 4,000 years. It’s fitting, though, because Bixby based the screenplay on an episode he wrote for Star Trek, “Requiem for Methuselah.”

WARNING: Blast Shields Down film reviews are practically silly with suspense-ruining spoilers, naughty language, and infuriating opinions. This particular episode is also stricken with a scorching case of the blasphemies. Use the discretion your mom should’ve given you.

Continue reading BSD #5: ‘The Man From Earth’